The Evil of Greggs

Steak bakes, sausage rolls, doughnuts and pizza slices are just a few of the high cholesterol 'treats' you can acquire from the blue devil bakery stores that lie in waiting, seemingly round every corner, ready to seduce people in with wafts of processed meats and fat-induced pastry.

This will be a very controversial read for many people and would certainly class as unpopular opinion, hence why I find it such a fascinating topic to dive into. People can be and generally are, incredibly defensive over the bastardised bakery, it never ceases to amaze me just how offended people can get over the mere association with Greggs and poor quality. But let's be crystal clear, Greggs is an absolute atrocity whilst being severely overrated.

We are a fat country, the heftiest in Europe in fact. As of January 2021, over 64% of the UK adult population was classed as being either overweight or obese, and studies have shown that 1 in 5 children leave primary school obese. But is it any wonder when you look out at what litters our high streets? McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Dominos, Subway and Five Guys, wherever you look there are fast-food hell holes luring people through the doors with 'convenience food' and the promise of an early grave.

We all know this food is bad for us, and yet that chubby little overweight red devil sitting on the shoulder, whispering in the ear, will somehow always manage to convince people to go and gorge themselves silly on fake food. For some this will be a weekly, if not daily occurrence, for others with maybe a bit more self-restraint, it may be once every couple of months, after which and racked with guilt, they take themselves straight to the nearest confessional booth for a quick "forgive me father for I have diet sinned".

But Greggs stands out from the rest. If it didn't infuriate me so much it would truly fascinate me! Like a true master of illusion, it has managed to brainwash people into believing that it is different from other fast-food establishments, and that it is actual good food. It cleverly hides behind vegan trends and minuscule fruit pots to trick you into believing that it cares for the health and wellbeing of our once great nation. Don't be fooled, this is no longer the charming small family bakery founded in 1939. It sold out a long time ago, making it the cheap large-scale conglomerate you see before you today infecting our town centres.

Upon entering the gates of hell, you are immediately greeted with a sea of brutally beige food. But I get it, it's cheap and affordable, as is the taste! Only 20% of the famous Greggs sausage roll the faithful followers dream about at night, is made from pork. I dread to think what nasties hide in the remaining 80%, and before tucking into a steak bake, you are probably well aware that it will result in you suffering from chronic diarrhea for the next two days. And is it any wonder? It is effectively gristle-based dog food, with a rich sauce resembling puddle water, all held together in bland pathetic pastry. 

By far the most intriguing thing about Greggs, is the darling brainwashed army of impassioned pasty-munching followers it has acquired over the years. I can feel their burning rage now as I dare to criticise the mothership! 'Barry' and 'Dazza', who enjoy their pastry almost as hard as their Brexit, will be up in arms. Whilst the vegetarians and vegans are busy facing a moral crisis after being presented with a hot sausage roll, pondering whether they should abandon their whole belief system to taste that flaky pastry, dripping in processed meat. The answer to their prayers? The vegan sausage roll, because pretending to eat animals makes it so much better, right? One thing I will say for Greggs, is that it certainly unites people.

I challenge you to walk around any town or city centre on a quest for lunch and not come across at least three Greggs on your travels. Run in the opposite direction as fast as you can - like Indiana Jones running from that obscenely large boulder. Though if the rumours are true then soon you won't even need to walk, or waddle, to get your fix as plans are being made to install drive through bakeries across the country, marking a dark new era and allowing our country to become even more overweight. 

I have no doubt that even in the event of the impending apocalypse we keep being promised, Greggs will still find a way to survive like the cockroach it is. 
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